Barbie’s body exhumed to finally discover killer

After more than a decade regarding a suspicious crash in 1998, Barbie’s formerly shapely body is being exhumed. Although the image of her inanimate, plastic, bloody booty will be forever burned into my brain, there may be some readers who do not remember this horrific event.

On a balmy day in early September of 1998, Barbie (Mattel’s leading lady) was cruising along a straight road at what was deemed a reasonable speed according to the files of this cold case. She was found crushed under the Jeep which had completely rolled over and brutally crushed her always impossibly perfect body.

Detectives discovered that her pink Jeep was radio controlled, although she mostly controlled it manually (Barbie was described by friends as “extremely independent”). They dismissed this idea of foul play since the person with the remote (now missing) must have been within 10 feet of the vehicle and witnesses saw no one who appeared suspect.

Last week, a group of bearded, stoned hikers found a large, pink remote partially protruding from the mud along a pathway not even a mile from site of tragedy. Getty, one of the hikers, said, “At first we weren’t sure what it was. I thought it might’ve been from outer space.”

Upon digging up the remains of the disintegrating remote, the hikers remembered the accident and took their life-altering find to the local authorities.

“We have officially reopened this case in light of the new evidence found,” said Chief Detective Arnold Jemdolf. “The body will be exhumed this week for further DNA testing.”

George and Margaret Roberts, Barbie’s parents, are extremely upset about removing her body from the family’s burial plot, yet overjoyed at the possibility getting answers after years of questions and torment.

They reexamined Barbie’s younger sister, Kelly, who was an original suspect since they had had a knock-down, drag-out fight earlier that fateful day about Ken Carson. They have again dismissed her due to the fact that her tiny plastic fingers could not have operated the Jeep’s human-sized controller.

During a press conference viewed world wide, Detective Jemdolf  informed the public than Ken, Barbie’s on-again/off-again boyfriend of over 50 years, was now in solitary confinement in a undisclosed federal prison under 24 hour suicide watch.

After carefully measuring his hand to button ratio, it was discovered that he could have possibly operated the buttons on said remote, albeit with some difficulty and extreme upper body strength, using both hands.

No one else is being considered part of this now-apparent homicide; the police believe Ken acted alone. Dozens of close friends, family members and a legion of fans are left to once again remember their pain over losing the world’s most popular plastic icon.

Barbie is survived by her parents and siblings Kelly, Stacie, Skipper, Krissy and twins Tutti and Todd.

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