Friendly Skies: Plane Ride Or Unwarranted Lap Dance?

I had only flown twice before, but I was extremely excited about flying alone from JFK to LAX to visit my sister and brother-in-law in Bel Air. This was going to be a HUGE difference from Shamokin and the up-tight East Coasters! Plus, no layovers…perfect. However, I did NOT say that I was adverse to taking a few benzodiazepines and vodka tonics to ease my flight tension.

As I was making my flight plans, via internet, I was delighted to discover that I could select my own seat. I had always assumed the the window seat was the most desirable, due to the incredible views and the feeling of not being “boxed in.”

The Auspicious Beginnings of My Vacation

Finally, the first day of my week-long vacation to Los Angeles had arrived. As I took my window seat on the plane, I was both surprised and ecstatic that there was an empty seat between myself and the young gentleman in the aisle seat. Oh, happy day! This was a plane-traveler’s dream come true! I settled my extra belongings on that golden seat and praised god for my good fortune.

Recalling my reference to vodka tonics a few paragraphs ago, you will completely understand my extreme urge to use the rest room. The first time I rose to politely pass by the young gentleman in the aisle seat, I sweetly said, “excuse me.” He opened his eyes, looked me up and down, and then promptly closed them. I kindly said, “excuse me” again, but this time the young man feigned sleep. I should also mention that this guy was splayed out as if he had passed out at a frat kegger, legs askew, arms sketchily close to my rear “area.”

Stretch Armstrong To The Rescue

I finally couldn’t play this guy’s games any longer. I was almost ready to remove the “barf” bag from the compartment and urinate in it, uncaring if the bag held or not. I tried to make myself as skinny as possible, Stretch Armstrong style, in order to squeeze past this asshole. I also forgot to mention that these seats were in NO where near business class size and extremely close to the backs of the seats in front of them.

HOWEVER, that being said, I was just about to praise myself as I had my left foot into the aisle when this dude (no longer referring to him as “gentleman” or even “guy”) promptly raised his crotch area JUST enough to come in contact with my nether regions. I mean, COME ON! REALLY? I tried to extricate myself as quickly as possible from the situation, but I guess he decided that if he was “asleep,” he had no control over his actions.

I honestly wanted to knee him in the balls or accidentally poke out his eyes with the corner of the cardboard regulation safety manual provided to every passenger. I decided to do neither and keep the “friendly skies” friendly, thus saving the on-board Air Marshall from cuffing and/or riddling me with rubber bullets.

I dealt with this particular issue about 4 to 5 times during the flight. Since I realized on-plane retaliation was a no-go, while exiting the plane at LAX, I decided to stratigically place myself on the ramp where the plane meets the tube entrance to the airport. You know the spot, a bit of a raised bump which personnel try to effectively cover with a strip of rubber, but it just never quite does the job (people tripping, wheelchairs veering sideways, etc.).

Sexual Harassment Is NOT An Option

Since I saw no viable option to sexually harass this “man” in a way I felt appropriate to his actions toward me, I simply thought back to an old childhood method: Trip the Fucker.

I nonchalantly nudged that strip of rubber a BIT more off kilter just before he began to cross it with his wheeled, carry-on bag (bringing up, by the way, the not-so-fond recent memory of me having to stretch AND lean over him to the luggage compartment as he gently held my buttocks, so I would not fall…I guess.)

Obviously, assholes can't read

You may have seen these awkward falls in a tube entrance. Many of these falls were probably properly amusing, but you didn’t see THIS. If I would have had a camera (and he would have had a good lawyer) we both could have made a LOT of money.

The walkway ACTUALLY separated as he fell, belly-flop style, while having his ankle caught between the crevice. The sound of ankle bones popping is BRUTAL! And no one “witnessed” it, tee hee. Never say fellow plane passengers don’t have your back, just wait for the opportune moment for them to “express” it.

No lie.

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